Give Thanks for Survival.

4 Sep

“Good Heavens! I think I blew my face inside out!”  That’s what I’ve been doing for the last 10 days, blowing my face, and lungs, inside out.  I picked up some mighty strong germs from Bodhi’s daycare when one of his sick little friends blew raspberries in my face.  Three year old’s don’t “get” how germs travel so all I could do was explain and go wash up.  The mega-cold got me anyway and kept me away from blogging.  Missed ya.

I woke up today feeling tearful.   I thought it might be from waking to this snot filled, hacking cold again.  Being sidelined by sickness brings memories of the good ol’ cancer days. That naturally brings a tear or two but not for long.  So, I spent some time in the garden, surrounded by happy birds and perfect weather.  Tearfulness persisted and I couldn’t figure out why?

When I saw today’s date I thought that might have something to do with it.  After all, a year ago, September 3rd 2010, was my last day of chemo so yesterday was my “survival anniversary.”  Unknowingly, I spent the anniversary at the most festive event I’ve been to in ages, the “Tour de Fat!”  (more on that later)

Survival anniversaries can be a tangle of emotions.  For me this is especially pronounced because my Mom passed away ten days later, on September 13th.  I feel like she waited until she saw that I survived before she let go of life.  It’s just like a loving Mother to make sure her babies are okay before leaving, isn’t it?  The anniversary of my survival is linked to the anniversary of my Mom’s passing.  That’s a melancholy maker for sure.

This chilly, sunny, blue sky, day could also be linked to my tearfulness.  Do you remember how perfect the weather was in NYC on September 11, 2001?  I can’t forget it.  I’ve even had some trouble trusting days that begin like that one did.  My gut says “Hold on here, things may not be as they seem.  This day looks happy but it may hold unseen horrors.”

Isn’t this September 11th going to be the Mother of all Anniversaries? Ten years have past but we will feel that day again.  Some will be glad to be alive after surviving 9/11.  The country has also survived.  But, nobody and nothing is the same!  I carry this.  You carry this.  Everyone grieves for all that we lost.  Oh heavy heart, is this why you are tearful?

As luck would have it, this afternoon David and I were in the hammock finishing up the book we were reading together, Charlottes Web.  Yes, can you believe it?  I have a Man that reads to me, imaginative voices and all.  No matter, Charlotte’s Web is NOT the book to read if one is tearful!  When Charlotte died and Wilbur saved her egg sack, I cried like a baby!  How ironic!  For me, the writing was right on the barn wall!  Loss and survival are everywhere; tearful as it may be, I -We- have to live within them.

Finally, I’ve decided that today’s crisp air and newly angled sun, the passing of Summer and the arrival of Fall is what brought tearfulness but it was the searching for meaning that kept the faucet dripping.  Sometimes a day has to be that way and the next day one can Give Thanks for Survival.

Tear free Hugs,

Sonja

P S  You know I can’t leave you on a somber note.  Here are some pictures from yesterday’s Tour de Fat in Ft. Collins, CO.  It was a fundraiser hosted by the brewers of Fat Tire beer, New Belgium Brewery.  Thousands of people wear crazy outfits, decorate their bike, ride in a parade and drink lots of, um, beer!  Here are some photos.  You’ll want to join in next year.  Please do!

 flower power

 politicians?

 that’s me – ha, ha, ha! when I was 20

 that’s a happy clown

 That’s just Nice!

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